Tag Archives: healing

Keeping it Real

As strange as it sounds to me, I can honestly say I have had a great two days!  I didn’t ever thing I would put the words great and day in the same sentence ever again, but I did, and even added a two.  I am sure that I will still have ups and downs as everyone does, but I know that I can heal and am healing.

What makes all the difference in the world are those people who truly care about you and want to help.  That will sit and listen to whatever you have to say no matter how weird it is, or real it is.  The support is and has been the most important thing helping me get going again.  I sincerely appreciate all who have been there for me and continue to be there for me and the kids.

I know this road will continue and will be long at times, but with the real life connections with others that I have found, I can honestly say it may actually be less bumpy.  If that sounds weird, it shouldn’t because it is real.  And I am keeping it real, because that is what is what matters.

Good As Can Be

I wasn’t real sure, if I would make this public or not, but some of you already know, I decided to seek out and go see a grievance counselor.  At first, I wasn’t real sure it would be the right thing for me, but over the past week, I decided I would at least try, if anything see where I was.  I also wanted to make sure I was doing the right things for my children, and if any advice could be given concerning them.

I was told the schedules and the routines will work themselves out.  There is no way to keep what was the same obviously, which I guess makes sense.  I have to develop new routines, and those will be come the new normal.  I had been struggling with that for a while, I mentioned before about how I was functional, but not getting everything I need to done.  I felt like I was neglecting some of my duties as a father because I could not be in four places at once.  But, I was reassured that now, I need to make the routines how I need them to, to work out better for us.

I also felt reassured that I was in a good place.  It may not be the easiest, but I am doing what I need to help me move forward.  I had told the therapist that I was good and at peace with where my wife is, and now I just need to learn to move forward.  Everyone grieves differently and in their own time, because everyone is different and everyone’s situation is different.  That makes sense too.  I think it truly does depend on the person.   Heather knew, and I do too (even though it is hard to admit) that I am a strong person, and will get through it.

It seemed from what she told me, that the kids were doing pretty good, and gave me some tips on what to look for, so that I can be aware better of what they are feeling.  That is a relief to me.  I know it is equally difficult to them, but as long as I hold them close, check in with them, and keep the communication lines open, it will be okay.

I am grateful for the new friendships I am making, and am grateful for my friends and family that help me get through each day.  Even though there are times that can be extremely difficult, especially those times when I am alone, I know I will be good.  I will make it, and I just have to figure out the things that are going to make me happy now and move forward with them.

I am thinking or starters a nice vacation to myself in Costa Rica. . .maybe someday soon. LOL!

Where Do I Belong

Yesterday would have been Heather’s thirty-sixth birthday.  The day itself was just like any other over the past few weeks, work, summer school, playing with the kids, and family time.  But, unlike the other days, there was an unspoken sadness that cast an umbrella over us.  No one made a big production over it, which was good.  We said our peace and went on with day as best we could.  I think the kids had a more difficult time with it than what I had, but I can assure you, it was not easy.  I think next year, we will possibly find away to celebrate it, if that is the right word. I’m not sure yet, a lot of people have given me ideas as to ways we can remember, and have it be a celebration or her life.  It may make it better, we will see.

Hopefully, I can explain my feelings today, and have them make sense.  I guess it doesn’t matter a whole lot, because I only have to have it make sense to me.  I appreciate everyone that follows my blog, and I hope I get my thoughts out in a way that can be understood. I can really confuse myself sometimes, and I guess it is understandable, because most days are confusing to me anymore.

I am sure all this will be different and changed tomorrow, because almost everything is.  I think I may have mentioned in my last blog about how things are so. . .off now.  All the routines and day-to-day activities, everything about each day.  I had the realization earlier that I really I don’t know my place now.  I mean, I know I have the place as a father for my children, and they are my priority now to take care of, which I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I guess for me, I just feel like all the things Heather and I used to do, places we used to go, and people we would hang out with, are now gone as well.

No, I don’t necessarily mean, I will never eat at a certain place anymore because we used to go there frequently, all I am saying is that it seems awkward for some reason.  It seems like when I go somewhere, I am a little out-of-place.  That is the best way to describe it.  I have very fond memories of the past fifteen years or so, and to me that is wonderful.  But now, it is like I either need to find and focus on new and different things, so I can better continue moving forward.

I am grateful for the new friendships I have developed over the past few weeks.  Many acquaintances are now becoming close friends.  Some people I never really knew before Heather died, have reached out, and it has been great getting to know others more.  I think it is healthy for me to experience new people, experiences, and places.  It is very difficult to do that, because of the lifestyle I have lived for so long, but in a small way, I think I need that.

Like I said, this may all change when I wake up in the morning, and I may blog about how wrong I was.  For now, for me to heal, I need to take care of my kids first and foremost, and then focus on what is going to make me the happiest some day.  But it still feels weird, and I do still feel out-of-place.

Forward Looking

This past week has been one of the more difficult weeks I have had since the passing of my wife.  As I had mentioned before a few times, I have the confirmation and that peace in my heart that she is in a good place, and that she is happy being there.  I no longer struggle with that, I know because I feel it.  My oldest daughter told me just last night out of the blue that she could feel Mommy around her and knew she was there.  That was a wonderful thing for me to hear, because my kids are learning that confirmation as well.  But now, I have realized I have this empty void to fill, and that is a very difficult thing to explain and understand.

I guess maybe it is fear of moving on, or fear of change.  My life and my children’s life have changed so dramatically I have not even begun to figure out what any next step is.  I do a good job just to keep up with all of the housework and the wants and needs of each kid.  I am not saying that I can’t do it, although sometimes I wonder, but even with everyone’s help around me, it is still hard to figure where to go.  Some may say it doesn’t matter now, do it at my own time, and that makes sense I get that, but I cannot just put my life on hold until I figure out what to do.  Life keeps going, and if I stop for too long I will fall behind, and that is a bad thing.

I am not trying to say that I am just ready to forget it all and move on and never look back, that would be impossible.  I am simply saying that getting back to the day-to-day schedule, the routines, and life in general, is proving to be a very difficult thing for me right now.  I am doing it, because I have to, not necessarily because I want to.  And, I know I could not do it without those around me giving me a hand when I need it, as much as I hate it and feel like a burden, there is no way I would be able to be where I am.  Support and love is key in healing.

I just hope someday I can find happiness again.  I have learned so much about love and happiness over that past few years, and it truly is a wonderful thing. I miss that feeling so much, and I want it back.  I am grateful for all Heather and I was able to share and to learn together.  Those connections with each other, I will always cherish, and hold close to me. But now, that is what I miss the most. . . those feelings.

Here and Now

I really thought I would sit down and write this last night, but I just couldn’t.  Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  I still haven’t figured out why, only that it’s just part of this process, that I wish wasn’t  part of my life now.  I hate it.  I hate every part of it.  I want to be able to wake up and have it all just been some vivid dream, but I know that won’t happen.  I just have to learn to deal and to cope with the best way I can.

It hit me just as soon as I got out of bed yesterday morning.  I have been doing so good the past couple of weeks, and I expected to get up yesterday and have it be the same.  No, my heart felt heavy, and my mind wouldn’t shut off thinking about Heather.  So many memories came flooding back.  Not that I had forgotten them, but I was remembering very detailed things that at the time may or may not have been important.  Most of them seemed to focus on the times before we were ever married and dating.  All I can say is I wanted to just crawl in a hole and cry.

I made it through work okay.  I had some moments where I had to take a walk to get some air, but I pushed through.  I get home about twenty minutes or so before I have to leave again to pick up the kids from summer school, so I had some time to sit and think, which isn’t always good for me to do.  As I did, I completely lost it.  It literally came out of nowhere.  I hate to admit, but I needed to do that I guess.  A friend of mine whom I have been in contact with, lost her husband a few years back, had told me to take those times to cry, because it does help.  And, it did.  It didn’t make the day miraculously easier, but it did take the edge off.

I decided to take my son out for some dinner and a haircut, just him I.  We didn’t talk much, but we enjoyed each other’s company, ate some wings and watched some soccer, which I know nothing about. I am sure I needed the time more than he did, but it took my mind off of things for a while and put my focus on the now, which is where I know I need to be.  Some days are going to be hard to do that, I understand, but for me to heal, I have to stay here in the now.

Today has been a lot better.  I was scared to wake up this morning, in fear that today would be like yesterday, but so far, it has been quite a turn around. I am functioning, been able to laugh a little, and have kept my focus on the things I need to be doing.  I recognize the fact that this will be extremely difficult, but I also recognize that I am equipped to handle it.

The loneliness is awful. I want people to be around me, I want to be around people, which is kind of odd if you knew me at all.  I have such a hard time right now being alone, not out of fear for myself, just for the company and the interaction.  I am keeping my children close to me, because I think at times I need them more than they need me. I hate sending them to bed because I need the company.

I know some of these thoughts and feelings are repeated in earlier blogs, but that is how it is.  It will be good one day, that I know. I will never, ever forget Heather, and I will always love her and hold her close in my heart. Also at some point I want to feel happiness again, even though I know it won’t ever be the same, and I wouldn’t want it to be, I long for those feelings again.

What a Difference it Makes

A while back a submitted a post titled Long Journeys, it explained my decision to lose weight, and take better care of myself and my health in order to be free of some of the burdens that I was facing.  At the time I posted it, I was down over fifty pounds and feeling quite well actually. So, my focus was on what I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I wasn’t too concerned with what others thought about it (I still don’t), but I began to notice a few things.

Our physical appearance truly does influence the way other people act and react towards us.  It’s not always in a negative way, or always a huge reaction.  At first, I didn’t even really notice, but as time went on, I paid a little more attention to how those around me, and even complete strangers, responded to me in most everyday situations. I don’t mean people I have never met, run up to me and give me a giant hug or anything like that.  There just seems to be a few more smiles, a few more hellos, and overall just a few more friendly actions and body language.

I know for almost a certainty that I am guilty of this, and I believe unconsciously we all are to a degree.  I think sometimes the outward appearance of others, gives off a certain vibe or some kind of energy, that we are not even aware of.  Example.  I know that I look better than I have in quite some time, but also, I feel amazing, so I know I have an elevated mood, and am a lot happier than I have been in years.  So, I think on a different level, people recognize this and react in a more friendlier, approachable way.

It almost seems as though when we aren’t feeling our best, and aren’t as healthy as we could be or should be, we tend to build a metaphorical wall around us.  It has been nice for me to finally feel like I am part of society again, and to have others not distance themselves from me, due to the negativity that I put off, because of the way I felt or looked.

With positive energy, comes positive reactions, the challenge is with keeping the positive energy.

Not sure what you think. . . but it workes for me

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Excellent View on Healing

I oftentimes like to share other blogs on specific topics that interest me.  It is a good way to help me learn, or at least get another view on certain things that I may be wondering about or studying.

Here is a post from a blog that I follow, that has to do with self healing, and being able to move forward in order to overcome those things that hinder us.

http://thisisnakedme.com/?p=59

I have also included the link to the blog in my sidebar, hope you enjoy. I think it is very strong advice, that we should all consider, no matter what is going on in our lives.

Not sure what you think. . . but it Workes for me

The Harsh Reality

A few blogs ago I had mentioned that my wife had been a victim of sexual abuse as a young child.  I cannot even imagine the pain and suffering she has to endure on a daily basis, nor would I want to.

I am not here to tell her story,  I will leave that up to her.  She has begun a blog of her own, not only to help her heal, but in hopes of reaching out to other victims so that they may be able to hear her story as well and find a connection so that someone else can be helped.

I will post the link to her blog here, and if you know of someone who maybe in need of some support, or just let them know they are not alone, please share this with them.  It would be deeply appreciated.

http://thisisnakedme.com/

Don’t let the name fool you, this is a very real and sad topic that should be brought into awareness.  I have only had to deal with this in a supporting role the past couple of years.  But, if I can help someone else, then that is what I will do.

Not sure what you think. . .but it workes for me.

 

 

Sharing Experiences

Something occurred to me the other day as I was out playing golf and had some time on my hands to kind of just stare off and ponder a few things.  As we go through life we always have those situations or experiences that either keep us stagnant us or help us to grow and be successful.  Some things I am sure are quite simple for some, others I am sure have much more difficult experiences to deal with.  We always have a tendency to look back and say, “I really wish I would have done that different,” or “I could have done that better.” Sometimes our experiences in life are beyond our control and we can’t necessarily say, “I wish I could have done that differently.” because it wasn’t our fault to begin with.  I also think to a degree we learn for other people’s experiences as well.

A few years ago, my wife began to have repressed memories resurface of sexual abuse as a young child.  Obviously I had no idea what to do or what to say, it really caught me off guard. It was as if I was thrown to the ground and was being crushed by some big giant heavy object.  Everything was in disarray, and I had never been so confused, angry, and at times even depressed myself.  This was a totally new learning curve for me and for our family.  Pretty much up to that point, my life had been somewhat normal, and I was angry because I didn’t ask for this, and it wasn’t fair. Anyway, after so many tears, so many restless nights, and so much pain, things began to slowly get better.  We learned different ways and different techniques in order to better help us cope with the situation.  None of it was or is easy.  It is still an ongoing process and I am sure to some degree it always will be, but I feel like tremendous progress has been made, and we are in a much better place because of it.

My point being, that even though this was not my experience to overcome, I have shared it with my wife, and have learned so many things and have gained such a different outlook on life for it, that it has changed me as a person.  I have learned how to set boundaries, how meditation is such a useful tool, and how sometimes patience is the most important thing in a relationship.  I am not saying that I am glad this has happened, because that is as far away from the truth as you can get.  All I am getting at is that when you share experiences with others, you learn and gain from them, either for the good or the bad, just as you do your own.  And, in some ways I believe it can help people grow closer together by taking the time to share them.

Not sure what you think. . .but it Workes for me

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Today I was walking into a store and saw a man on his way out with his hands full.  Naturally I held the door open for him, just as I would for anyone else.  A common gesture, for pretty much everyone in the general population I am sure of, but today it meant a little more.  I am not quite sure why it struck me in quite the manner it did, but something tugged at me a little and made stop and ponder something very simple.  

The man gave a polite little nod, and small thanks as he walked past me as I held the door, and probably forgot about it as soon as he got three steps away from where I was standing.  I personally don’t think too much of it when that happens either, but today for the person standing holding the door, it felt good.  

I think all too often we forget about others and in our busy lives concentrate only what is right in front us.  If we were to be more observant and open to what is going on around us, we may be able to not only help out someone who may be in need, but to make our day worthwhile as well.  We could actually make someone else’s day a little brighter just by simply saying hello, or holding a door, or maybe even something as simple as a smile.  

No, we do not know what the stranger walking past us has on his or her mind, or what kind of day they are having, but it shouldn’t matter.  Just some sort of gesture of kindness and courtesy could go a long way even if we never really know the outcome.  I know today, the man I held the door open for, could have probably cared less, but maybe he need it, I will never know.  But, if in some way I was able to help, I am willing to take the chance to be just a little nicer, because I will benefit from it as well.

Not sure what you think. . .but it Workes for me. 

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