I really thought I would sit down and write this last night, but I just couldn’t. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I still haven’t figured out why, only that it’s just part of this process, that I wish wasn’t part of my life now. I hate it. I hate every part of it. I want to be able to wake up and have it all just been some vivid dream, but I know that won’t happen. I just have to learn to deal and to cope with the best way I can.
It hit me just as soon as I got out of bed yesterday morning. I have been doing so good the past couple of weeks, and I expected to get up yesterday and have it be the same. No, my heart felt heavy, and my mind wouldn’t shut off thinking about Heather. So many memories came flooding back. Not that I had forgotten them, but I was remembering very detailed things that at the time may or may not have been important. Most of them seemed to focus on the times before we were ever married and dating. All I can say is I wanted to just crawl in a hole and cry.
I made it through work okay. I had some moments where I had to take a walk to get some air, but I pushed through. I get home about twenty minutes or so before I have to leave again to pick up the kids from summer school, so I had some time to sit and think, which isn’t always good for me to do. As I did, I completely lost it. It literally came out of nowhere. I hate to admit, but I needed to do that I guess. A friend of mine whom I have been in contact with, lost her husband a few years back, had told me to take those times to cry, because it does help. And, it did. It didn’t make the day miraculously easier, but it did take the edge off.
I decided to take my son out for some dinner and a haircut, just him I. We didn’t talk much, but we enjoyed each other’s company, ate some wings and watched some soccer, which I know nothing about. I am sure I needed the time more than he did, but it took my mind off of things for a while and put my focus on the now, which is where I know I need to be. Some days are going to be hard to do that, I understand, but for me to heal, I have to stay here in the now.
Today has been a lot better. I was scared to wake up this morning, in fear that today would be like yesterday, but so far, it has been quite a turn around. I am functioning, been able to laugh a little, and have kept my focus on the things I need to be doing. I recognize the fact that this will be extremely difficult, but I also recognize that I am equipped to handle it.
The loneliness is awful. I want people to be around me, I want to be around people, which is kind of odd if you knew me at all. I have such a hard time right now being alone, not out of fear for myself, just for the company and the interaction. I am keeping my children close to me, because I think at times I need them more than they need me. I hate sending them to bed because I need the company.
I know some of these thoughts and feelings are repeated in earlier blogs, but that is how it is. It will be good one day, that I know. I will never, ever forget Heather, and I will always love her and hold her close in my heart. Also at some point I want to feel happiness again, even though I know it won’t ever be the same, and I wouldn’t want it to be, I long for those feelings again.